Moms and memories

This is my first Mother’s Day without my mom. She died late last summer. “Are you dreading Mother’s Day?” I have been asked many times. “Not at all,” has been my reply.

When my family gets together, they love to talk about their favorite Mother’s Day memory. The story goes that my father dug up a dogwood tree in the back of the woods behind our house and planted it as a surprise for my mother. She was delighted. About a week later, he replaced it with a bigger tree that he found in the woods; a week later an even bigger tree.  This went on for several weeks, with my family reveling conspiratorially in the delight that my mother showed each time she thought her tree was growing so rapidly. Eventually, she caught on.

Because I was not even born when this happened, I have relied on my siblings’ many versions of this story for details. One has a tree as big as the house before my mother even noticed. I don’t know the exact truth, but I do know it’s the favorite Mother’s Day story in my family. And that’s the thing; my Mother’s Day memories are unique to my relationship with my mother and my family. This is true for all of us.

Relationships with our mothers can be complicated. Warm feelings, conflicted feelings, complex feelings; each of our experiences is different. Holiday expectations infused with commercialism and media have little in common for most of us.  When my son was 7 years old, the first time he had a friend come over after school, he said to me, “Mom, when we are walking in the door, can you be making cookies and be taking them right out of the oven as we walk in?” I have no idea how, at 7 years old, he had developed that expectation, but it wasn’t something he learned from me.

Social media has its own version. “My mother is awesome and perfect with no flaws whatsoever. Click like if yours is too.”  For many, Mother’s Day has a way of highlighting the expectations that most of us cannot live up to and leaves many wondering why their Mother’s Day celebrations or memories don’t match up.

Will I miss my mom on Mother’s Day? Absolutely. But I miss her every day and will for the rest of my life. This year I will be reflecting on the memories that are meaningful and important to me, free from wondering if my plans to commemorate the day with some version of flowers, candy or brunch are “correct.” I will not be thinking, “did I get the right gift? Is my card funny enough with just the right touch of emotion?” 

This Mother’s Day I will be imagining and hoping that my mom is with my dad somewhere relaxing under a gigantic dogwood tree. I am sure no one else will be celebrating in this way.  And that is how it should be.

BETSY ALPER, LICSW, is clinical director at Jewish Family Service.